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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23160739">Melons</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenstraflintlocked/pseuds/jenstraflintlocked'>jenstraflintlocked</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, a bit of silliness, much quoting from Ice Age</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:14:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>988</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23160739</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenstraflintlocked/pseuds/jenstraflintlocked</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jenny tries the watermelon challenge</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jenny Flint/Madame Vastra</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Melons</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this fic tracks in with Spinning Jenny in terms of the Irregular's names and the like. </p><p>the move Vastra teaches her is the one Black Widow and other such superheroes do A Lot. Where you wrap the legs around the head and then floor people. That one.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been a move that Vastra had taught her (and how Jenny had blushed when she had). And it had been on a rare mission when an Irregular had got caught up in the fighting (it was Jack, of course it was Jack). And he’d witnessed Jenny trying the move and failing spectacularly, ending up sitting on the target’s shoulders, her legs wrapped around his neck, trying to hang on. She’d ended up breaking his neck, by accident. (he’d fallen over, and Jenny wasn’t sure she’d ever forget the sickening crunch).</p><p>Jack being Jack, the word spread instantly throughout the Irregulars, and then throughout London, the tale gruesomely embellished with each new telling.</p><p>“And then! She broke his neck. With her bare hands!”</p><p>“I heard she twisted his whole head orf!”</p><p>“Nah. She squeezed his head between her thighs so tight! It BURST.”</p><p>And into the makings of this Legend, came the Doctor, with a new companion, Bill. Jenny had taken a liking to her immediately, much to Vastra’s annoyance. Excited to finally meet the person Jenny and Vastra had mentioned so often, the Irregulars crowded round the Doctor like urchins begging for money. In amongst the various yelled introductions and raucous explanations of their particular and vital role as helpers of the Paternoster Row Gang, the final version of the Legend was told.</p><p>Bill had laughed, one big loud Ha! And then a mild guffaw. “So like the watermelon challenge then.” She managed to say before laughing again at the story.</p><p>Of course, the Irregulars would not rest until she’d explained in full. And shown them a video of it on her phone. The Doctor had ended the demonstration with an admonishment about futuristic tech and using Universal Temporal Roaming responsibly. But that didn’t stop the Irregulars immediately piping up, demanding to know whether Jenny or indeed Vastra could do it.</p><p>Melons were purchased. Vastra declined to take part, citing far too much dignity, although with assurances that she could, of course. Jenny did not have such confidence and she was too drawn to the challenge to refuse. An old bed sheet had been found and spread over the tiled floor of the kitchen. It would be easier for Strax to clean up, it was reasoned, more so than if melon got on the carpet. Bill ignored the Doctor’s warnings and was ready to film the entire thing on her phone. The stage was set.</p><p>The Irregulars crowded round. Jack opened a book, and they wildly placed their bets before staring intently as Jenny got herself into position, trying to copy the technique she’d glimpsed in the video as she squeezed, gritting her teeth with the effort.</p><p>“The melon!” Dotty cried!</p><p>“Look!” Thrupp pointed.</p><p>“It’s going!” Ada started jumping up and down excitedly.</p><p>“She’s doing it!” Cris clapped his hands together.</p><p>“Go on Jenny!” Bill called in encouragement.</p><p>“The melon! The melon!!” the Irregulars chorused as Jenny grunted with the effort.</p><p>It was incredibly satisfying to feel it give way and split. She collapsed back, panting.</p><p>“Woo! YEAH!!” Cris punched the air and then Soljer’s arm. “Who’s up for round two!”</p><p>“Go on! Do another one!” Boggin challenged her.</p><p>“We bought four!” Jack grinned.</p><p>Her legs already felt like jelly, but she groaned and placed another melon between her thighs. Bets were placed again. Similar cries were elicited. She broke the second and the third. The Irregulars gathered closer. Bill, Vastra and even the Doctor leaned over them. Strax had retreated to the doorway in fear and was peering from it.</p><p>“The last melon…” The Doctor said in awe-filled tones.</p><p>Jenny was determined to remain undefeated against the melons. She made sure to carefully place it, ensuring that no energy would be wasted in trying to keep it still. Once more, she squeezed, gnashing her teeth against the ache in her legs.</p><p>There were no cries this time, only hushed silence.</p><p>*crack*</p><p>Now the Irregulars erupted, whooping and hollering, gathering Strax into a wild victory dance around the kitchen as Jenny collapsed backwards, now completely spent. Vastra scowled at the noise they were making. She plucked a random urchin from the victory chain dance, held it up to her face and showed her teeth in a grin.</p><p>“Hmmm.” She hummed. “Dinner and a show.”</p><p>Ada froze only for an instant before wriggling free. All the Irregulars took the hint and scarpered through any available exit.</p><p>“Strax! Get this cleaned up please.” Vastra gestured towards the wreckage of melons before offering her hand to Jenny, hauling her upright and holding her round the waist, making sure Jenny’s legs would take her weight, before tugging Jenny out the kitchen and up the stairs.</p><p>“I can do it.” Jenny protested, feeling it was unfair to leave Strax to clean it up when she’d made the mess.</p><p>Vastra stopped and leaned back down, her mouth close to Jenny’s ear. “But I wish for a private demonstration of just how hard your thighs can squeeze.” She whispered.</p><p>It was just as well that Vastra still had hold of her hand otherwise Jenny felt she might’ve fallen down the stairs. Her face bright red, albeit with a wide grin on it, she followed Vastra to their bedroom. </p><p>Bill and the Doctor looked at each other. Bill shrugged. “Guess that’s our cue to leave then?” she grinned. “Are they always like that?”</p><p>The Doctor frowned as they followed the urchins out the door, leaving Strax cleaning in a silence born from newfound levels of respect. “Yes.”</p><p>“Can I send ‘em the video later? Or…I dunno, could you convert it onto an old movie reel or something? So they can watch it again? I get the feeling Vastra will want to watch it again.” Her laughter faded from hearing as the door closed behind her. But other laughter could still be heard, very faintly, coming from the top floor of 13 Paternoster Row.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ta to the Paternoster Gang</p></blockquote></div></div>
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